Who’s going to watch you die ?

(Death Cab for Cutie- What Sarah said)

I put two table spoons of sugar in my black coffee, there’s only one tea spoon in this place and I forgot to bring it back with me. Right now I’m just trying to distract myself from the thoughts in my head; they seem to be drunk since they just won’t get of the topic of the blue car. The mind is a strange thing, that’s basically what I can say that I definitely know, or is it?

So, so far I’ve been on vac for about a week, considering the fact that this time a week ago I stepped of the plane at Durban airport and proceeded to go to the bag conveyer place with lots of trolleys, from there I had strong urges to climb onto the conveyer belt and watch the judgments from the jet lagged people. (Wow this coffee is sweet). But I decided to not follow my human nature and left the bag conveyer place with lots of trolleys to meet my ride at the Vodashop .
I then proceeded to lift my 25kg bag into the boot of the car without noticing the tiny crick my spine uttered. Something tells me I should have listened more carefully that day…

It’s been a week and I have to travel with a pillow for my damaged lower back (they call it a steatogoyia , see second year English wasn’t such a waste of time) so that my wince doesn’t make me seem like the reenactment of the Grinch who stole Christmas (haha Jim Carrey, haha Me, Myself and Irene, haha Rene, hah that bunny suit, haha blue string , haha my mind is chewing its leash and being eaten by the pregnant big toe)

Being Crazy is really the norm, Being the norm is just Crazy.
This second cup doesn’t taste that sweet, maybe I miss it.

My life consists of the tv guide and the programing people of sabc 3 could just be my heros

Yay blogging on my phone, what is next. This would have come in handy when i was being emo on the dance floor. I instead watched the ships while my two best friends made out...

There really is nothing to do in Durban except eat...

I only want sympathy in the form of you crawling into bed with me

Note to self: NEVER get that drunk after eating Sumaya's mother's mutton curry for supper.

Now that we have that out of the way. I'm gonna try something different with me life, maybe I'll become less considerate and try to do some work once in my life, maybe I wont get burnt and and play with it until it starts to bleed and maybe I'll have the heart to call you the next day and say sorry instead of thinking that things will sort itself out naturally.

I wonder if the above can ever be achieved ?

My body will never be free of language and neither will your mystery

Race is a metonym to culture.. That's what they say to make you feel better and persuade you that you're not a racist. The truth.. We are racists, we are sexists, we are shallow and we are the hollow beings just trying to get into that same mess as Guido in Dante's Inferno.

I will be here till I die and then you my precious sugar plum will realise that the string you tied around your finger is not for remembrance but there to extract your tooth to score some extra cash from the tooth fairy.

Whats the difference between frozen feet and hands?

I have come to the conclusion that I am a stagnant pool of water and life is the sun that just doesn't have the balls to shine hard enough to suck the pool of water dry.

Take that analogy bitches ;)

All I feel is hate when I love you

You're the bitch
It's as simple as that
You've grown
She's grown
You got what you came for
Now for God's sake woman
Move the fuck on!

Margarita Slush puppie

I really do believe that procrastination is the worst thing ever invented by mankind. It feels so good yet at the same time theres this insecure condition just rattling at the heart tendons. Hmm maybe I need a drink, or maybe I just need to get my ass in gear and write this mother fucker all night long.

Yes its dodgey but sexual connotations is all I have right now....

I feel it my bones that Sainthood will be fucking awesome

By just listening to the new Tiesto and Tegan and Sara I can tell that October will not be a let down. I think that the Europeans should steal Tegan and Sara and force them to write catchy and cheesy dance songs, maybe the world would be a better place.

I feel it in my heart and my skull that this song will be parked in my head the whole day.

Cheers to that :D

Sometimes a lie is the best thing

Look at the press and their on going pressing of Caster Semenya. Its funny to think that the Australian press are probably kicking themselves for suggesting such a thing. But I guess thats life hey.

I have discovered that no matter how hard you try to not do something or think of that something it will always manage to steal your concentration and leave you in disarray again. Sons of bitches I say.

Heres to Wednesday. It better be different than the rest.

Nah doubt that.....

Lets ride the wave of circumstance

I realise that life is full of wonderful occurances and circumstances. So lets ride the wave of circumstances and fuck the rest.

Going with the flow is probably the most hardest thing to do in this day and age but once you let go of those handlebars you realise that you can in actual fact enjoy quite a balanced and joyous ride.

Heres to the next second, minute and hour.

Lets hope its good.

Maybe I do like to wake up with you

Use me, Abuse me but please never leave me.

A guilty flower to match your sordid conscience. “It’s okay “, I say, “Go and be with him, I’m used to being the ugly third wheel”.

I walk back alone like a zombie in a trance. Holding this flower you gave me with utter care.

Be careful don’t crush it. She gave it to you; she gave it to you to make her feel better of the rejection she offered.

Suppression prepares for overflow

Do you remember that lost voice that you once used on me years back?

That voice that captured my soul and bound me to become addicted to the very essence of your aura is now a long distant fragment of memory. I heard it today and it brought back all those fuzzy feelings but it also brought with it pain and defeat for that voice was aimed at someone else.

I sat there today with my back faced to your beauty regime. It felt good that I didn’t have a single urge to just stare. I like the fact that I look like I don’t give a fuck on the surface.

If you only knew how it’s destroying me piece by piece inside.

Existence depends solely on perception

Hang me up and leave me there to perish for I’d rather take a stand and die then let my soul be sucked by the formalities of the day. What’s the use of today when it’s just preparing me for tomorrow? Why can’t we live for today and fuck the rest?

The face you put on every day is your defense mechanism. Why can’t I see you for what you are? My ideal of you blind sights me for what you really are and that, my friend, places you on a pedestal in my eye.

This pedestal does not fit you, you’re slipping slowly but my mind can’t allow an empty space so there you will remain forever .The past 7 years will mean nothing and you my indifferent stranger will stay number one in my head regardless of what you do to me.

Is that love or fearful obsession?

Fears in solitude

That knot in my stomach can be soothed by a couple of sit-ups.

The sit-ups are done and I sit and wait for the pain to subside. The pain is a good pain, it makes me feel like I am alive again and not just another piece of the dancing singing crap of the world. I cant stand the idea of going back home.

Home is a place where I never want to be. I’m running away from being that girl whom people expect to care about the well fare of her family. The truth is that I really don’t know what I’m doing at University, I have no idea what I want to be and I have no drive to really make it big.

What do they expect from me?

Do they know that by them pinning their ever long hopes on a stoner like me will just lead to fucked up emotional throw up?

Sitting adjacently

I take my tray piled with the morsels of vegetables mixed with spices, Heading to my usual table, I’m shocked to find that you my windless fantasy are already sitting there, time to re calculate, its difficult when that stare you gave me 3 months ago is still reverberating through my chest bones.

It took me a whole term to pluck up the courage to speak to you on Friday night, It was short-lived and interrupted by another acquaintance, its hard to hate her when I’m prepared to die for her on the spot.

Back to the dingy smell of jock filled dining hall, my right eye has a clear image of you to the side, you’re beautiful in your solemnest, It’s excruciating to sit there and know that you probably think me a freak. That seal clubber looking out for fresh meat.

Your blue hoodie hides your face as you walk past me to get some caffeine. That’s it I need a re-fill, Its now or never. I don’t want to look back and regret the chance that I missed.

I speak to you, you’re polite and that smile just makes me want to drop my coffee. I turn back, Your friends sitting at your table are staring and giggling to themselves. What are they saying?

I don’t want to know because that moment made my heart twitter and float, It was worth it. Who gives a fuck.

I’m afraid to know the truth, I’d rather live with my made-up excuse. The sad thing is that you don’t feel the same even though I wish you did.

Death is easy. Life is harder

I found the cure to growing older and that is to not have any expectations about your lover or your beloved ones for that matter.

I've recently realised that people are unreliable and the only one you can truelly count on is yourself , which is sad when you think about it cause I know that as a fact I am a fucked up little mother fucker. I need people sometimes to just tell me to back the fuck away slowly. I'm afraid that one day I'll be left in this world with nothing but the pale blue memory of you. Is that selfish of me?

Maybe its just easier to sell my soul and keep the shell as a face to the many lies I tell and cover up.

This nervousa is not for me

It's strange how this big fat lump in my chest won't seem to leave me. I tell myself its nervousness yet I don't understand, there's nothing to worry about just the looming silence that is found in death.
I'm nervous for you and you anxities.
I wish you knew how I feel

The nervousa inside me is for you

Pacing up and down the drama department. Why the fuck won't those stupid drama bastards let me in. Don't they know that I have to see this production. Don't they know that I'm about to have a breakdown for the forth time in a row for not being able to get into that theatre once again.

Your show has started and I'm stuck outside with my genius idea of pulling a fire drill. Instead I give up and concentratre on your face and wish you luck from a far.

I see you after the production, you shrug me off like a piece of dirt.

Why do I still care ?